ALL THOSE EMAILS YOU SEND

I must send my thanks to whoever
sent me the one about rat poop
in the glue on envelopes because
I now have to use a wet
towel with every envelope
that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub
the top of every can I open
for the same reason .

I no longer have any
savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital
for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have
any money at all,
but that will change
once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft
and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about
my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me,
and St. Theresa's novena has granted
my every wish.

I no longer use
cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you,
I have learned that
my prayers only get answered
if I forward an email to seven of my
friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern
I no longer drink Coca Cola
because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy
gasoline without taking a man
along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl
in my back seat
when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink
Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since
the people who make these
products refuse to put
"Under God"
on their cans.

I no longer use
Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

And thanks
for letting me know I can't
boil a cup water in the microwave anymore
because it will blow up in my face -
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return
on pay phones because I could be pricked
with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls
because someone will drug me
with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages
from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target
since they are French and
don't support our American troops
or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone
because someone will ask me
to dial a number for which
I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers
but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies
from Neiman Marcus since
I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you,
I can't use anyone's toilet
but mine because a
big brown African spider
is lurking under the seat
to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all
the endless advice Andy Rooney
has given us.
I can live a better life now because
he's told us how to fix everything.

Oh, and don't forget this one either!
á I can no longer drive my car
because I can't buy gas
from certain gas companies.

If you don't send this e-mail
to at least 144,000 people
in the next 70 minutes,
a large bird will land on your head
at 5:00 PM this afternoon
(you can guess what happens)
and the fleas from 12 camels
will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because
it actually happened to a friend
of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's
second husband's cousin's beautician.

Have a good day!

Author Unknown
And I Bluejay am wiped out LOL!

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